Maybe she’s emasculating you. Or maybe she’s just really tired.

Society is not set up for women to thrive. Which is why we aren’t thriving.

I’ve felt a simmering in my heart for a few months now, on a topic I’ve felt resistant to speak to, because - like most topics I speak to - they can be polarising, and I’m still working on the whole “speak your truth, even when your voice shakes” thing.

But last week the simmering boiled over to a point of rage, and I pinpointed the stirring of this to something that really wants to be expressed. And so, here I am.

My precursor, for this and for anything else I ever write to or speak on is - I am speaking from my experience. Yours may be totally different. Good. Both can exist. (And now that this is out of the way, I will never again share a precursor of this manner for anything I share on this page.)

I first felt the niggle of “hmm, I don’t know about that” when it became the new thing to jump on International Women’s Day and criticise it for not really standing for true equality. That for women to really be “equal” to men, our merit should come from true performance and not meeting an ideal quota of a percentage of male to female. And while I totally understand the reasoning behind this perspective, I also felt these conversation points were a massive step back into a time where women “should just be grateful for what they have”. Truly - for me - these conversations reeked of “not all men” energy, but reversed.

“Not all women” want to celebrate International Women’s Day - because to them, every day should be a day like that.

Which is super nice to say in principle, but the reality of it is, every day is not. For most women, the world over. That the day itself to me isn’t necessarily about a certain male-to-female quota or “equality” but about celebration and recognition that has been lacking for lifetimes. And I found myself frustrated in feeling this way, because it seemed many people in my industry, at least - were starting to venture down a path of fundamentalist “men provide, women mother and serve the home” rhetoric.

This is one clear example, but I’ve seen it in spades the last three months alone.

Women claiming that they no longer want to strive, build their businesses or pursue financial targets because “as a woman” they feel more inclined to lead their homes, serve their men and children, and offer themselves up to this time in their life because “this is only a season we are in”. I have seen women burn businesses to the ground, because a “softening” was calling them - and rather than instilling their work with said “softening” they took it as an act of extremism - “I no longer work, strive or push, because I am a woman and I am a mother and this is what we are supposed to do.” (This is, once again, an exceptionally privileged statement to make, assuming that every woman or mother has the choice to work or not, when the reality is for most of us, it is not a choice, but a requirement to make financial ends meet.) 

I have seen innately independent women question whether their way of living is something “nature intended” for them. Women who are naturally more “go-getter” shift to “slow-getter” for the sake of a season, when they are actually itching to continue to build and grow and create. Their “masculine energy” is thriving in full force, but oh no - will that mean they won’t call in their “King”? 

The piece that really tipped me over was becoming privy to a piece of content dictating key ways women are (potentially unknowingly) emasculating the men in their life. That few women knew exactly how to empower the men in their life - and that perhaps they were oblivious to what they were “doing” or how this was negatively impacting their relationships as a result. Written for women. By a man. 

Can I be honest?

I saw red.

I am not afraid to say I am a feminist to a large degree. I do believe the word itself has been diluted and to claim feminism today walks a fine line with being synonymous with man-hating. So let’s get this clear off the bat: I do not hate men. I love men. I am married 15 years to a man who I love with all my heart, and yes likely have emasculated, and also empowered just as equally along the way. I have many men I consider close friends. I do not hate them.

But…

I absolutely hate the point that is being missed in many - if not most- of these conversations.

Women perhaps are emasculating their lovers and male counterparts, there’s no denying this. (Just as much as men are doing the female equivalent of this might I add, but we will get to this in a moment…)

But rather than looking, once more, at ways women can stop this behaviour: are we having discussions around WHY this is occurring?

Why are women feeling the need to “nag”, complain or express sheer frustration with their male partner/lover/friend?

Why are women finding it so damn difficult to be “heard” (not “listened to” - there is a very real, very impactful difference here)?

Why are women criticising their partners (either directly or in an indirect vent-sesh to their circle of friends)? Why is it so hard to 100% of the time be on their partner’s “team”?

I’ll tell you why.

Because we’re angry. And we don’t feel safe.

And that is not, for some of the time, at the hands of our husbands or our boyfriends or our fathers. But for lots of the time, it is.

For this lifetime, and the many others that came before us. 

For the time we were called a bitch on our wedding day by our brother.

For the countless times our father told us to cover up, because what we were wearing made us “look like a slut”.

For the times the boys in primary school peeked up our skirts while sitting on the silver seats at lunch, and then compared notes about what underwear we were wearing - at 10 years old. 

For every single night we’ve had to walk to our car holding our keys as a weapon “just in case”.

For the moments of intimidation tactics, violence, furniture thrown, walls punched, and worse.

For the lineage of women we walk from - and all that our mothers and grandmothers received at the hands of men. 

Women aren’t emasculating men for fun. They’re not hating men for sport.

They are scared. And angry. And also - very fucking tired.

And not just the tiredness that comes from the sheer mental load of what it really takes to exist as a woman in this day and age. (Which men will never, ever understand.)

But we’re tired of having to explain ourselves. We’re tired of having to create the space needed to be really, truly heard. We’re tired of the (necessary) juggle it takes to tend to ourselves, our relationships, and the wellbeing of our children, and our homes.

We’re tired of being told what to do. Especially when it is by a man.

And like it or not, that’s the truth of the matter. I, for one, am sick to death of being dictated to my entire life by men who feel they know more than me. By entitled opinions telling me how I’m fucking up my relationship. By 3-step articles on “tapping into my feminine more for when my man gets home at the end of the day”. (And yes - I used to write these myself.)

As a mother, I operate mostly in my “masculine” energy. You cannot be a stay at home mother and operate from your feminine majority of the time. It doesn’t work that way. It’s also not as simple as flicking the masc switch off at the end of a full mothering day - lathering yourself in oils and bubble baths and floating down the staircase in your whimsical nightdress ready for a night of passion with your provider who spent the day slaving away for you.

It’s not that simple.

Energy is nuanced. It’s flavoured. And these masc and fem conversations act as if we have them on tap, at our beck and call, in any given moment - choose one or the other. That a bit more mother/father trauma work will do the trick! And yes - perhaps if you’re single and/or childless, this is a far simpler task.

For a married person, with children - let me tell you, it’s near impossible. Most days. 

I know that there will be those in my industry reading this and likely rolling their eyes, muttering something along the lines of “Clearly Hollie has some father wounds that need tidying up” and you know what? I do. And also - what a privilege it must be to have all the time and money and energy in the world to unpack years and years and lifetimes and lifetimes of trauma. Sometimes I dive straight into it all. And sometimes my mental state can’t take it, and I need a break.

Does that mean I am likely not as empowering a partner sometimes? Yep. 

Does it mean I have acted in emasculating ways? Absolutely.

But let’s take a look at the word emasculating, for a moment:

Emasculate:

to deprive (a man) of his male strength, role, etc.

Examples of emasculation include controlling tendencies in a relationship, being critical rather than constructive and generally not appreciating the role he plays as the “provider” in your life.

It’s not my place to talk about what it feels like to be emasculated, as I am not a man and have no experience in this arena: so I will talk to the female equivalent of this instead which is…

Oh wait.

There’s no literal female equivalent to emasculation.

The closest meaning found is to “defeminise” - which speaks to minimising feminine qualities, however this definition is not related to females in particular. 

Basically, there is no word to describe the counter behaviour of men to women because why would there be? This has been our reality for lifetimes.

So when a woman is outright critical of her partner, he can claim emasculation - but when a man is not empowering the women in his life? What do we call that? Why doesn’t that get a name? 

* * * 

It’s 10:33am as I sit to continue writing this piece, and I have been wide awake since 4:30am. After willing my little girl to go back to sleep (full bottle, warm cuddles, “shhh-ing” a-plenty) I accepted defeat and got her up at 5:30am. By 6:30am she had been fed, changed, changed again, read to, and held while I navigated the necessities of my morning (including joining me on the toilet - on my lap - and opening and closing the door to my - extremely rushed - shower, about twenty times). There was no opportunity for me to have breakfast - the tantrums were already being negotiated. By 8am we were walking through the doors of Kmart to scope presents for my husband’s upcoming birthday, by 8:30am she was refusing to walk and only wanted to be carried (a strong workout of 15kilos of wriggly weight) and by 9:15am I was driving back home with a car boot full of presents and our weekly grocery shop complete, dinner for the next two nights mentally prepped in my head, and the same 4 songs on rotation for the entirety of the drive back home because anything else will have her lose her shit. A failed nap transfer, third nappy change, snack station set up and demolished - and 6 hours after waking - I get my first “break”. To work. And this isn’t an ordinary day. It’s a luxury I am able to squeeze some work in right now, because my husband’s work timetable allows for it today. Any other day, and I would be pushing through until her (our) midday nap. Because the requirements of his job dictate when I can do mine. 

So I’ll take what I can get - even though I know my body needs rest, and I could do with a long walk, and I am covered in grime from the morning and should change my clothes - this is a rare window that means I have to be very particular with how I use it. And creation makes me feel “me”.

The point I am trying to make is this: this conversation shouldn’t be about men versus women, or maiden versus mothers. It actually isn’t an “us versus them” rhetoric. It’s a societal deconditioning that is bubbling to the surface and wanting to be reprogrammed. 

The conversation of masc and fem energy dynamics, and polarity in relationships, is dated and a dead end turn. It is no longer a constructive one to be having. We KNOW traditionally men are more inclined to embody healthy masculine dynamics in hunter-provider type caveman scenarios, while traditionally women are more inclined to embody healthy feminine dynamics of nurturance, softness and intuitive sweet surrender (and feminine power, of course, but we were traditionally killed for exhibiting that, so have downplayed this part for lifetimes - but you knew that already).

The difference is, life as a whole has been set up with men thriving at the forefront, and women cowering behind them. Masculinity as the discussion point. Masculinity as the benchmark.

And women, once again, are the ones being told what to do. How to fit into a world that has constantly been dictated to, shaped and moulded by men. 

Society is NOT set up for women (and especially mothers) to thrive. Which is why we aren’t thriving. So forgive us if the last thing on our minds is how to empower the men in our lives when - reality check - we can’t even empower OURSELVES.

Mothers are overburdened and under-resourced. We are not living “back in the days” when the (dated) caveman, provider, “masc-fem” rhetoric had a possible role to play. Where women were supported FULLY by the men AND women in their lives, where the village truly held and supported the mothers, and where the load was evenly shared.

Where are these conversations being had? Where are men stepping up and into conversations around how to hold the mothers in our communities - how to lighten their loads - rather than turning their fingers to add an extra criticism point to the long list of “must changes” we are already carting around? 

This should be a conversation point around how to help the women who are apparently “emasculating” the men in their life - so that they actually feel like they have enough in the tank to firstly give back to themselves and their children (because no one else will ever, ever come before their children, and if you don’t agree with that then you aren’t a mother) and then - if there is a moment or a day or a stretch of time and energy and resources they have left after all of that - just maybe pass some on to their lover or partner or friends.

This should be a conversation on how to empower women. How to recognise mothers. How to mitigate the stark reality that is the majority of us - as mothers - are exhausted, angry, tired, touched-out, overstimulated and undernourished. That is not on us to then go and fix. That is on a culture who has forgotten. Who has demonised women, once again, for not lifting the men up in their lives. Who has passed judgement on women, once again, for not showing up enough in their relationships with men. Who has completely ignored the necessary conversation point around what the REAL problem here is: and how the root is not seeded in “women don’t know they’re emasculating the men in their life and it’s a real problem.”

You know what? Most of us probably do know. But we are so utterly depleted, exhausted and mentally checked-out that this is the furthest thing from our mind to fix.

You know what we want to fix? How society treats us. How safe it feels to be us. And how supported we feel by the men in our lives so that we can truly - not just get by - but thrive.

Believe it or not but it actually is not the role of a woman to make a man feel more manly. This is not our “job”. We have enough on our plates. We have children to raise, and homes to tend to, and businesses to run, and yonis to dearmour, and father/mother wounds to process, and marriage counselling to attend, and girlfriends to catch up with, and meals to prep, and laundry to load, and maybe a second of quiet time if the week (or month) allows it.

The truth is, for many of us - your feelings have become very, very low on our list of priorities. And it isn’t because we aren’t grateful or don’t love you or can’t see the work you are doing to really show up for us.

It’s because we are operating from sheer survival in a world that has totally normalised this state of being for us, and our peripheral vision is wiped - all we can see is what needs to happen to get one foot in front of the other.

And THIS is what needs to change.